(Jesus, another mammoth post... and this one barely goes anywhere either :\ sorry!!)
It's been a weird couple of weeks here... I know that's really similar to how the post-before-last started.. but it has. That and I couldn't be arsed trying to find a different way of putting it.
It's been a reflective week at the very least.
I mentioned in my last post that in years gone by I used to keep a Deadjournal. I don't especially want to share it here, being somehow even WORSE written than this is, plus it covering some fairly heavy shit.. but, I've kept it taking up space on the World Wide Web as a pseudo time capsule.. which last week I actually re-read the whole thing in it's entirety.. keep in mind this is something I've not looked at in around 10 years.
It was an interesting night, reading all of that, or trying to, because apparently I didn't use apostrophes, capitalization or normal human sentence structure. I've always written very much as I would speak aloud but this was a little cringe worthy in places, not that I'm a grammar nazi or anything.
But yes, Deadjournal! I re-read the lot, and at times it was good! Bringing back some fond memories of adventures previously forgotten, trips to Manchester, a holiday in Stoke, many, many, many nights out dancing and drinking, watching local bands where I used to live and being heroically awkward around other human people, regardless of gender.
However some of it was, not so good. I used my old Deadjournal as an outlet for the most part, during an extremely difficult and turbulent time in my life. I wont go into it too much here but in summary, I was still living at home with my mum and sister, we had never got along and this was at the height of that not-getting-along-ness. I was utterly miserable and in hindsight I can easily say this is where the majority of my ongoing self loathing, anxiety, utter lack of confidence or self worth stems from.
Those two, my own blood.
In 6 days I turn 30 (assuming I actually post this tonight and not in another week, as per my usual blogging modus operandi).. but from that point in time to now I'm 10 years older, 10 years.. wiser? (kinda) and have 10 more years of scars (I'm not being dramatic or talking about further emotional scarring here.. I'm just really accident prone!) however that's 10 years on from all of that.. shit, and it's 10 years I don't think I've really dealt with any of it.
Yes, in terms of locale and day to day living, my quality of life has VASTLY improved. I have a home of my own (well, I rent, but home is still where your stuff is), I live there with my Fiancée and our cat, I have a job (cheers "me" for reminding me of that =_="), I have some select friends, I have hobbies and free time, but in terms of "myself", I thought I was getting better, just by being away from all the toxic things that were hurting me and holding me back, but after the mini meltdown a couple of weeks back it all came to light and fell into place.
I've never really come to terms with why or how things went the way they did with my blood family, don't know if subconsciously I've not wanted to from so many years of so much hurt, or if I've lacked the capacity to rationalize and apply logic to the entire horrid situation. The missus once said something along the lines of "you're trying to apply rationale and logic to people who utterly lack any. Sad but true but these are terrible, terrible people".. which I understand, and agree with, totally, but I can't help but ask the question, "why?".
I know I said I would try not to make this blog too grimdark, but those two may come up again, sadly.
Depression is a weird state of affairs at the best of times. You can spend days feeling absolutely fine, having a laugh, generally coping well.. then for utterly NO reason what so ever, (hell it could even be the slightest thing that flips it all around) you end up in the absolute deepest depths of listlessness and misery. Sometimes the same cycle runs in phases of hours or even tens of minutes, often with no trigger from one shift to another.
For me, lately anyway, being at work seems to be quite effective at pushing me toward the lower end of my emotional spectrum.. this is more than likely solely due to the fact that I utterly loathe my job and preeeeeeeeetty much everyone contained within it. Admittedly, whilst it may not be the answer, almost as soon as I'm out of the door and headed home, I start feeling a million times better. Some days however even on a day off at home, not being able to think what to work on (customs or repaint-wise) or generally being a bit listless ends up doing exactly the same thing. This could last anywhere between 5mins to a full day. Sometimes it's almost like there's this little voice in the back of my head that comes along when I AM feeling ok and happy and starts poking and kicking at things, pointing out things to be bummed out.
Even after writing those last 2 paragraphs, I'm immediately mentally countering it with thoughts of all the things I have in my life to be happy about, then almost just as quickly getting annoyed with myself and then bummed out for not being happy about those things all the time.
Brains are weird...
Anyway, in 6 days I'm 30, and whilst we aren't calling it a mid-life crisis, it's time I started getting somewhere with "me" and not having these bouts any more.
As far as I can remember I've never been really happy with "me", yes that includes your usual "this bit is too fat" or "wish this was like that" or even "wish I could be more like (insert person/mood/style etc) in that respect" but it goes right to the point that I would openly admit to not feeling like I have any redeeming qualities.. at all. I dare say I actually hate myself quite a bit. Why? Fuck knows, easy blame would be my upbringing more than likely.. but yeah.. I am my least biggest fan.
Suffice to say pushing 3 decades old I'm pretty bored of it now, and welcome change for the better with open arms and gusto.
If you've read this or anything I've written, thank you. This post has been pretty disjointed for the most part, and even though it may be quite some time before I feel up to posting any links to it anywhere, it does feel a bit better to get some of this out of my system.
Weirdly this also seems easier to do than to speak about it, as if this is a more direct line into my head... hooray for small miracles?
I'll try and make the next one read more like an actual thing :\ hah!